


Guilt

by banana_bluebird



Series: Chris and Ann [1]
Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Eating Disorders, F/M, Guilt, This is mostly for me, This is not a happy fic but it ends on a somewhat hopeful note, Yes I know parks and rec is a comedy and this isn't genre consistent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:40:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22352731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/banana_bluebird/pseuds/banana_bluebird
Summary: I came across some reddit posts interpreting Chris Traeger as being bipolar and having an eating disorder (orthorexia nervosa) and both ideas really made sense to me. This is about Ann's feelings once she finds out, and will probably be part of a series about Chris and Ann, because I love Chris and I love Ann and I love Chris and Ann's relationship. It takes place in season five after they decide to have a baby together. Obviously trigger warning for discussion of mental illness and disordered eating, but there's nothing all that graphic.
Relationships: Ann Perkins/Chris Traeger, Leslie Knope & Ann Perkins
Series: Chris and Ann [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1609039
Comments: 3
Kudos: 31





	Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> I came across some reddit posts interpreting Chris Traeger as being bipolar and having an eating disorder (orthorexia nervosa) and both ideas really made sense to me. This is about Ann's feelings once she finds out, and will probably be part of a series about Chris and Ann, because I love Chris and I love Ann and I love Chris and Ann's relationship. It takes place in season five after they decide to have a baby together. Obviously trigger warning for discussion of mental illness and disordered eating, but there's nothing all that graphic.
> 
> Links to the reddit posts:  
> https://www.reddit.com/r/PandR/comments/3bnb1c/theory_chris_traeger_has_an_eating_disorder_at/  
> https://www.reddit.com/r/FanTheories/comments/2gmdqe/parks_and_rec_chris_traeger_is_bipolar/
> 
> I want to make it clear that I, the writer, do NOT blame Ann for not realizing Chris had problems (and it's up to you, the reader, to interpret Chris' behavior in the show however you want, this is just my personal headcanon), but that I wrote her internal dialogue with her blaming herself for not noticing because it's how I personally think she would feel. I believe she would feel this way because she's been shown to be very compassionate, responsible, and somewhat codependent. I also think she has some self-esteem issues, at least in the earlier seasons, but that's also up for interpretation.
> 
> This is my first real fic so please let me know how I did! I welcome and appreciate constructive criticism, please let me know how I did with characterization especially and if I could have handled this (admittedly heavy) premise better.
> 
> Thank you for reading!!

Ann keeps kicking herself for not seeing it earlier. The signs were there—the constant, obsessive exercising, the restrictive diet and fear foods (no fat, no sugar, no red meat; skim milk and salad, only two or three acceptable dressings). The panicking and frantic efforts to reverse the food-related transgression when he would slip up even a little. 

Chris tells her when he agrees to be her sperm donor. That he’s recovering from an eating disorder—orthorexia nervosa—and it all falls into place. Of course. Of course he had a fucking eating disorder. 

She’s a nurse. She’s a fucking nurse. She should have known. She should have put the pieces together, figured it out so much sooner. She tries to tell herself that, yes, she works in healthcare—but even so, orthorexia is hard to catch, especially for someone who isn’t trained in mental health. She knows this, but she still can’t completely convince herself that not noticing wasn’t a failure on her part. 

She knows Chris doesn’t feel that way. He didn’t realize it was an eating disorder either—it’s not even what he started therapy for. He was totally blindsided by the diagnosis. He tells her he didn’t even really believe it at first. How could his commitment to his health be something...unhealthy? Something not just unhealthy, but disordered?

When they first met, she thought he was perfect. Just absolutely perfect. So optimistic, so happy all the time, so—so healthy. The healthiest person she had ever met. He was a whirlwind to date. The seemingly endless supply of energy, the intense emotions—he seemed like the perfect boyfriend, too. 

Then they broke up, and it was mortifying. She wanted to hate him for it, but couldn’t really bring herself to. After all, it was just Chris being Chris, wasn’t it? It was the logical conclusion to their relationship, when she thought objectively about it. 

But there were signs then, too—signs of something else. Another diagnosis he disclosed to her when he agreed to help her have a baby. Bipolar disorder. It made sense in retrospect, that some of what seemed like happiness and enthusiasm was actually mania. She kicks herself for not seeing that, too. 

She can talk to Leslie about it, because Chris told Ben, and Ben told Leslie after making sure it was alright with Chris. Leslie tells her that it’s not her fault for not catching it—no one did—and that even though she works in healthcare, she doesn’t work in mental health and no one could have expected her to see it. Thank God for Leslie. Ann still doesn’t totally believe her, but it’s good to hear anyway.

She wants so badly to apologize to him. She wants to say, “Chris, I’m so sorry, I should have realized.” 

She knows he would hate that, though, and that he would never accept it. He would tell her the same things Leslie keeps telling her, and it would make things worse for him to know how guilty she feels. And even if it somehow wouldn’t make things worse for Chris, Ann doesn’t think she could handle having him reassure her without feeling ten times more guilty about everything.

Leslie tells her that they’ll have to talk about this eventually, and she knows that she’s right. She can’t talk about it now, though—not with him at least. But she will. She makes a promise to herself that they will have that conversation, once they’ve both had time to process everything and it’s not so fresh. 

She doesn’t know how long that will take, and until then, she decides, she has to find a way to keep her guilt at bay. Maybe she’ll take a leaf from Chris’ book and try therapy.

Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath after deep breath.

She tries to tell herself it will all be okay. She has to keep telling herself that.

**Author's Note:**

> I came across some reddit posts interpreting Chris Traeger as being bipolar and having an eating disorder (orthorexia nervosa) and both ideas really made sense to me. This is about Ann's feelings once she finds out, and will probably be part of a series about Chris and Ann, because I love Chris and I love Ann and I love Chris and Ann's relationship. It takes place in season five after they decide to have a baby together. Obviously trigger warning for discussion of mental illness and disordered eating, but there's nothing all that graphic.
> 
> Links to the reddit posts:  
> https://www.reddit.com/r/PandR/comments/3bnb1c/theory_chris_traeger_has_an_eating_disorder_at/  
> https://www.reddit.com/r/FanTheories/comments/2gmdqe/parks_and_rec_chris_traeger_is_bipolar/
> 
> I want to make it clear that I, the writer, do NOT blame Ann for not realizing Chris had problems (and it's up to you, the reader, to interpret Chris' behavior in the show however you want, this is just my personal headcanon), but that I wrote her internal dialogue with her blaming herself for not noticing because it's how I personally think she would feel. I believe she would feel this way because she's been shown to be very compassionate, responsible, and somewhat codependent. I also think she has some self-esteem issues, at least in the earlier seasons, but that's also up for interpretation.
> 
> This is my first real fic so please let me know how I did! I welcome and appreciate constructive criticism, please let me know how I did with characterization especially and if I could have handled this (admittedly heavy) premise better.
> 
> Thank you for reading!!


End file.
